On this date in 1540, Thomas Cromwell, erstwhile Earl of Essex, was beheaded on London’s Tower Hill. The man who ordered his execution, King Henry VIII, was not present—he was marrying his fifth wife, Catherine Howard. Cromwell had, only a year before, been one of the most influential men in Henry’s court. So how could it all gone so wrong so quickly?
In 1539, Thomas Cromwell was on top of the world. He had risen from the tradesman class to become Henry’s most trusted advisor and Henry rewarded him with land and titles. He helped navigate Henry out of his marriage to Catherine of Aragon and into his marriage to Anne Boleyn. When Henry wanted out of that marriage, he orchestrated her trial for treason and her execution, allowing Henry to marry Jane Seymour. In October 1537, Queen Jane did what neither of Henry’s previous wives was able to do—give birth to a male heir—she did one other thing that neither of Henry’s previous wives had done—she died before Henry could tire of her.
Cromwell’s downfall started when the once-annulled, once-divorced, once-widowed Henry decided to marry for a fourth time. After his break with Rome, he feared an invasion from Catholic France and needed an ally in the Protestant lands east of France. William, Duke of Julich-Cleves-Berg, leader of the German Protestants, was a prime candidate and had two unwed sisters. Henry tasked Cromwell with answering the most important question: Was either of these girls hot enough for Henry to marry?
To that end, Cromwell commissioned Han Holbein the Younger to paint portraits of the two women. When Cromwell presented Henry with the portraits, he was smitten with the eldest of the two, Anne of Cleves. Cromwell sealed his fate by repeating the stories he had heard of her great beauty. Soon a marriage was arranged. When the big day finally arrived and Henry saw his new bride, he was shocked by her plain appearance. On the wedding night, he was unable to perform his husbandly duties. He had his marriage annulled and had Cromwell beheaded.
So, on this anniversary of Thomas Cromwell’s execution, remember King Henry VII, the victim of history’s first Catfish. Remember Anne of Cleves, so ugly that she established a heretofore unknown level of ugly—Have-The-Guy-Who-Set-You-Up-With-Her-Beheaded-Ugly. But most of all, think of Thomas Cromwell, the only man in history to lose his life for being a shitty wingman.
I started watching Shardlake on Hulu last night. Sean Bean plays Thomas Cromwell. I should have realized that was an omen. 😂
Oliver is my favorite Cromwell.